It’s almost 1am here. I’m wide awake after cleaning up the vomit filled bed of my eight year old. I’m also pregnant with my third child, and my fourth pregnancy. A child we made a choice to bring into this world. We had two healthy children. This parent game was on lockdown and our family was already complete.
My husband and I simultaneously cried and celebrated. We knew we would bring this child into this world if the signs continued to point to 'yes.' We had a choice, and we didn't feel burdened by that choice. This decision was not unknown to us.
In our early 20's, almost 20 years ago, we were met with the same decision, except we were babies too. We were not ready to start a family. We made the choice at 23 to end the pregnancy.
We had an appointment at the local Planned Parenthood. We had to drive and walk through protesters yelling at us that we were killing our baby. At 23, I felt that. I whole heartedly felt like I had given away my one chance to be a mother.
The fucking shit storm that followed walking through that door was awful. The doctors were kind. The staff was supportive. My health insurance even paid for the procedure. Talk about privileged right?! But on that day I felt like my soul was sucked out of me. I vomited everywhere during the procedure. My now husband and then boyfriend waited nervously in the waiting room. We left, myself sobbing, him lost as to how to console me. We went out to lunch. What the fuck! Needless to say this was the beginning of a long hard journey learning about myself, my emotions, years of trauma around sexuality and undoing years of suppressed emotional trauma. I grew up that day. I had a choice and it was not easy.
I think how our life would be different, as neither of us had solid careers. We were piss poor post-college kids and I was preparing to head to graduate school that fall. Maybe this third child we are about to have in our late 30's is bringing our broken hearts and story full circle- despite knowing my own daughters may not have that same choice in their life as I did in mine.